mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
