Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
