hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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