in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
