Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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