Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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