There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
