Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
