SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
