he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize