piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
