just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
