Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
