i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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