Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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