Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
did i walk over a car last night?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
