and next time when you feel me up, do it right
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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