I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
50% drunk capacity currently
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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