hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize