I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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