she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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