he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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