Screwed.edu
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
