fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
