Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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