dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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