8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
