Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
