Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
