I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
