Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
