3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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