I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
