My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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