Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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