Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
