What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
