they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
