Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
