Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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