Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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