Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
