the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
