You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
