It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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