i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
