people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
