there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
