I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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