I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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