Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
