I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
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You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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