this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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